I really enjoyed reading this post, Karen, and I love how you describe the roles we play as the cloaks we wear.
The feeling of needing to be a "good girl" and conform to stay safe is familiar to me, too. Looking back recently has helped me to understand why I felt like this and that it was no one's fault, just the time and the situation.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it Rebecca and thanks for reading and commenting. I must admit I've had to go through a long process whereby I initially blamed, but now understand circumstances and generational patterns and how we unknowingly pass them on. I'm trying to break those patterns with my children, (even though they're midlife aged) and I feel our relationships are getting better which is good. Have a lovely weekend 😎
Karen, this is inspiring. I lost my home ten years ago and I loved the project of focusing in on the absolute essentials so that I could basically live in my car. It wasn't comfortable- I'm too tall to lie down in a car. But I still remember the mornings in some random place, making a cup of tea with my tiny stove. My friends and family were far more concerned about it than I was!
It was really OK! As long as I remembered to put everything back exactly where it belonged. Torch. Reading book. Journal. Pen. Toothbrush. I used to drive around to find a lovely private place to sleep and to wake up in!
I absolutely agree with this Grace. I don’t consider it a waste of a day to do the washing and admire it flapping in the breeze like prayer flags! I love it!
Your final thought about your granddaughter really made me stop and think.... I am 64 and my upbringing and the expectations put upon me as the oldest of 4 children were very similar to those you describe. My own granddaughters are 16 and 14 and were delighted to see us when they were little... Nowadays, conversations aren't always easy with them and they clearly think we're just old fogeys who know very little, but they're polite and friendly and helpful at home so I've tried to accept that things have changed.
Thanks for putting some context around it all.... ☺️
I know that feeling! For quite a long time, I felt snubbed when my eldest grandsons (now 28 & 26) lost interest in us in their teenage years, but they're both new parents now and we get on brilliantly well. I now understand that differentiation is necessary for their growth and independence. I had a really difficult time with my mum as a teenager and I understand why now, but it's taken me a long time to understand why!
I still have a difficult time with my mother, we have never understood one another. Sadly, she's in the grip of dementia now and has deteriorated greatly since my Dad died almost 4 years ago.
I think life is a long lesson in understanding (or not) what makes us and others tick.
My mum died 7 years ago and I had a kind of breakdown at the same time. Looking back, I think I'd wanted to be seen and understood for years, but it never really happened. I'm sorry you've had a difficult experience too.
I'm sorry that you went through such a hard time. Luckily I had a good relationship with my Dad, particularly as I got older.. Thanks so much for sharing your story so honestly.
Thank you...that's good. I'm pleased to connect as sharing our experiences helps us feel less alone I feel. I have so much compassion for my mum now, but it's taken a while to get there 🤍
I loved the midlife nomad article too! It’s so interesting to hear your perspective on life - I’m glad you keep on finding things to write about! Your life does sound an adventure! I’m curious to know what you will do in the winter - van life or back to the boat?
Thanks Rebecca 💛 the boat is only 5 years old, so very warm and well insulated in the winter. We tend to keep travelling by boat or van all year and go to Spain for 4-6 weeks in January. We rarely plan ahead, but just take things a week at a time.
It is the same for me... literally moving away from what it was that saw me felled by emotional exhaustion...& now (far longer than I ever imagined) at 18 months I know I'm building the new Denyse but often I get old messages/behaviours rising & fortunately I recognise them & move towards what I know serves me & my nervous system .. it's says we can't feel the changes but others who know us may observe them xx
It takes such patience doesn't it and a commitment to self compassion that's quite recent for me. Always helpful to share our journeys and support each other 😘
The imagery of slowly setting down the cloaks that we've worn for decades felt so relatable, Karen. So many of us learned to stay connected through being good, responsible, capable, or endlessly accommodating, never realising how much of ourselves we'd tucked away in the process. I loved your reflection that we can belong to ourselves first and still remain deeply connected to others 🤍
I've literally only just begun to understand that Dana. I grew up believing I had to please everyone to be loved/accepted and when I did express myself, I was often disapproved of. It takes a while to unpick old patterns doesn't it and it can feel so uncomfortable in my body when I feel 'wrong'. Unsurprisingly, my mum was saying 'I just don't want to do anything wrong' right up until she died 💛
It really does, Karen. I think those patterns can become so woven into our nervous systems that they begin to feel like who we are, rather than something that we learned to do to stay connected and safe. What you shared about your mum shows how deeply those beliefs can be carried across a lifetime, and I see the same in my own mum. Wishing you continued gentleness with yourself as you keep setting those cloaks down 💛
That's been true for me and it's only now I understand the patterns that have driven my life. It's been a long time coming, but awareness allows for change and I'm grateful for that. Sending love 💛
Hi Karen - I learned about self-differentiation a few years ago when my husband pointed out how poor I was at it. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by the drama or upsets of others - their unhappiness was my unhappiness (or mine to try and fix). Allowing other people to own their behaviour and not being so impacted by it has been such a relief. I've found that people who describe themselves as "empaths" often have poor differentiation and get swamped by the emotions of those around them. Learning to take a step back would probably ease some of the intensity.
Finding that sweet spot between being anchored and being untethered is my goal - I want the safety and love that comes from knowing who I am and who my people are, but I also want the freedom of choosing who and what I allow into that safe place. I'm sure we'll both figure it out as we gain all that wisdom that's supposed to come with age. :)
Hi Leanne, I absolutely relate to all you've said here. From a young age, I remember having to go along with my Mum on everything and even in my 60s, she was unhappy and frosty if I disagreed with her about anything. I learned that lesson very young...keep her on side, but it came at a huge cost.
As you say, I now want the balance of being kind to others and showing empathy without being overwhelmed by everyone else's problems or issues. I understand now how enmeshed we were as a family and what was thought to be a tight family was, in fact, nothing of the sort. I'm learning every day 🙂
It's funny because my husband was a family counsellor with years of training and he still had issues with his very controlling mother - his motto was "don't poke the bear" - which I saw as letting her get away with murder....
Thank you for sharing your life on a house boat with us. I've wondered what it would be like. My partner lived on a 45' sail boat when I met him. Two years later he opted to live on Maui, Hawai`i where I'm from and sold his boat. 15 years later we downsized and moved to a smaller house in Nevada. Heading into our 11th year here, we are remodeling to live out the rest of our days. The change from a tropical island to high desert was challenging. Keep up your yoga!
I really enjoyed reading this post, Karen, and I love how you describe the roles we play as the cloaks we wear.
The feeling of needing to be a "good girl" and conform to stay safe is familiar to me, too. Looking back recently has helped me to understand why I felt like this and that it was no one's fault, just the time and the situation.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it Rebecca and thanks for reading and commenting. I must admit I've had to go through a long process whereby I initially blamed, but now understand circumstances and generational patterns and how we unknowingly pass them on. I'm trying to break those patterns with my children, (even though they're midlife aged) and I feel our relationships are getting better which is good. Have a lovely weekend 😎
Always love reading your thoughts
Thank you Chris 😘
Karen, this is inspiring. I lost my home ten years ago and I loved the project of focusing in on the absolute essentials so that I could basically live in my car. It wasn't comfortable- I'm too tall to lie down in a car. But I still remember the mornings in some random place, making a cup of tea with my tiny stove. My friends and family were far more concerned about it than I was!
Wow Davina, that must have been challenging. Thank you for reading this and I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing.
It was really OK! As long as I remembered to put everything back exactly where it belonged. Torch. Reading book. Journal. Pen. Toothbrush. I used to drive around to find a lovely private place to sleep and to wake up in!
Sometimes the simpler and less cluttered (with stuff) our lives are, the better we feel.
I absolutely agree with this Grace. I don’t consider it a waste of a day to do the washing and admire it flapping in the breeze like prayer flags! I love it!
Your final thought about your granddaughter really made me stop and think.... I am 64 and my upbringing and the expectations put upon me as the oldest of 4 children were very similar to those you describe. My own granddaughters are 16 and 14 and were delighted to see us when they were little... Nowadays, conversations aren't always easy with them and they clearly think we're just old fogeys who know very little, but they're polite and friendly and helpful at home so I've tried to accept that things have changed.
Thanks for putting some context around it all.... ☺️
I know that feeling! For quite a long time, I felt snubbed when my eldest grandsons (now 28 & 26) lost interest in us in their teenage years, but they're both new parents now and we get on brilliantly well. I now understand that differentiation is necessary for their growth and independence. I had a really difficult time with my mum as a teenager and I understand why now, but it's taken me a long time to understand why!
I still have a difficult time with my mother, we have never understood one another. Sadly, she's in the grip of dementia now and has deteriorated greatly since my Dad died almost 4 years ago.
I think life is a long lesson in understanding (or not) what makes us and others tick.
My mum died 7 years ago and I had a kind of breakdown at the same time. Looking back, I think I'd wanted to be seen and understood for years, but it never really happened. I'm sorry you've had a difficult experience too.
I'm sorry that you went through such a hard time. Luckily I had a good relationship with my Dad, particularly as I got older.. Thanks so much for sharing your story so honestly.
Thank you...that's good. I'm pleased to connect as sharing our experiences helps us feel less alone I feel. I have so much compassion for my mum now, but it's taken a while to get there 🤍
I loved the midlife nomad article too! It’s so interesting to hear your perspective on life - I’m glad you keep on finding things to write about! Your life does sound an adventure! I’m curious to know what you will do in the winter - van life or back to the boat?
Thanks Rebecca 💛 the boat is only 5 years old, so very warm and well insulated in the winter. We tend to keep travelling by boat or van all year and go to Spain for 4-6 weeks in January. We rarely plan ahead, but just take things a week at a time.
It’s really interesting reading your story as more realisations appear and are challenged!
It feels a very long slow process Denyse with lots of times when it feels as if I'm not moving forwards at all.
It is the same for me... literally moving away from what it was that saw me felled by emotional exhaustion...& now (far longer than I ever imagined) at 18 months I know I'm building the new Denyse but often I get old messages/behaviours rising & fortunately I recognise them & move towards what I know serves me & my nervous system .. it's says we can't feel the changes but others who know us may observe them xx
It takes such patience doesn't it and a commitment to self compassion that's quite recent for me. Always helpful to share our journeys and support each other 😘
The imagery of slowly setting down the cloaks that we've worn for decades felt so relatable, Karen. So many of us learned to stay connected through being good, responsible, capable, or endlessly accommodating, never realising how much of ourselves we'd tucked away in the process. I loved your reflection that we can belong to ourselves first and still remain deeply connected to others 🤍
I've literally only just begun to understand that Dana. I grew up believing I had to please everyone to be loved/accepted and when I did express myself, I was often disapproved of. It takes a while to unpick old patterns doesn't it and it can feel so uncomfortable in my body when I feel 'wrong'. Unsurprisingly, my mum was saying 'I just don't want to do anything wrong' right up until she died 💛
It really does, Karen. I think those patterns can become so woven into our nervous systems that they begin to feel like who we are, rather than something that we learned to do to stay connected and safe. What you shared about your mum shows how deeply those beliefs can be carried across a lifetime, and I see the same in my own mum. Wishing you continued gentleness with yourself as you keep setting those cloaks down 💛
That's been true for me and it's only now I understand the patterns that have driven my life. It's been a long time coming, but awareness allows for change and I'm grateful for that. Sending love 💛
Hi Karen - I learned about self-differentiation a few years ago when my husband pointed out how poor I was at it. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by the drama or upsets of others - their unhappiness was my unhappiness (or mine to try and fix). Allowing other people to own their behaviour and not being so impacted by it has been such a relief. I've found that people who describe themselves as "empaths" often have poor differentiation and get swamped by the emotions of those around them. Learning to take a step back would probably ease some of the intensity.
Finding that sweet spot between being anchored and being untethered is my goal - I want the safety and love that comes from knowing who I am and who my people are, but I also want the freedom of choosing who and what I allow into that safe place. I'm sure we'll both figure it out as we gain all that wisdom that's supposed to come with age. :)
Hi Leanne, I absolutely relate to all you've said here. From a young age, I remember having to go along with my Mum on everything and even in my 60s, she was unhappy and frosty if I disagreed with her about anything. I learned that lesson very young...keep her on side, but it came at a huge cost.
As you say, I now want the balance of being kind to others and showing empathy without being overwhelmed by everyone else's problems or issues. I understand now how enmeshed we were as a family and what was thought to be a tight family was, in fact, nothing of the sort. I'm learning every day 🙂
It's funny because my husband was a family counsellor with years of training and he still had issues with his very controlling mother - his motto was "don't poke the bear" - which I saw as letting her get away with murder....
There are definitely some avoidant tactics going on there!
Thank you for sharing your life on a house boat with us. I've wondered what it would be like. My partner lived on a 45' sail boat when I met him. Two years later he opted to live on Maui, Hawai`i where I'm from and sold his boat. 15 years later we downsized and moved to a smaller house in Nevada. Heading into our 11th year here, we are remodeling to live out the rest of our days. The change from a tropical island to high desert was challenging. Keep up your yoga!
That sounds like quite a change Jackie! Just off to do yoga outside now 😌
You inspire me.
This resonates so much. I'll also check out that book you mentioned
Thanks for sharing. I too appreciate the freedom that comes when we embrace our authentic self 🤩
I love how you obviously continue to grow emotionally. Good for you!
Thank you Stephanie!
This piece has so much goodness in it!!!!!