Choosing different metrics...

Finding gratitude and peace in my body...

I can count on one hand the amount of women I know who are happy with their bodies; most women I know talk about their bodies using the harshest, most critical language you can imagine. If I’m honest, I have been known to speak about my own body in those terms too, but not any longer.

I loved reading this article by Alex Kadis recently and I can relate to so much of what Alex writes.

Fuck Off – I’m Fat!

I was a fairly average sized little girl until around the age of 11, when I suddenly put on a lot of weight. As I’m now 68, I can’t remember why that happened, but I suspect it might have been something to do with moving to secondary school. I do remember being overwhelmed by the transition from a fairly small village primary school to what seemed a huge school with a very strict uniform. I remember having to stand up when the teachers entered a classroom and filing into school assembly being closely observed by the Headmaster, and 2 deputies. The whole environment felt very intimidating at the time!

I also remember overhearing a classmate say to another girl ‘it’s a shame Karen’s so fat as she has got quite a pretty face’; the fact that I can remember this after 57 years means it must have had quite an impact on how I thought about my body/weight and how things played out over the years.

I went on a diet around the age of 14 and lost quite a bit of weight, so I was back to being an average size, but I had no idea about nutrition or how to take care of my body and my health. For many women of my generation, dieting culture and slimming clubs were the norm, yet few of us gave any thought to building a respectful, healthy relationship to our ever changing bodies.

In my mid 30s, I trained to become a fitness instructor and teaching lots of classes every week meant I stayed slim for years, but I still had a punitive relationship with my body and my health.

I was much more concerned about my shape and size than my overall health, being ‘careful’ about what I ate rather than eating to fuel my body. Looking back, I can see I was slim and fit, but I was self critical and always thought I needed to train harder and look better.

What many women (and I include myself here) fail to acknowledge is that our bodies change throughout our lives; I was pregnant at 19, went through the menopause at 50 and I’m now about to turn 69 years of age. To think my body would remain the same throughout my adult life would be madness, yet we hang onto the idea that we should maintain the same weight for decades.

I met up with my 2 sisters recently and we had some photo’s taken together; immediately we looked at the photo’s, there were cries of ‘oh my God, I look such a fat cow’ and ‘don’t let anyone see them, I look terrible’ and ‘if you post them on social media, I’ll kill you’. Our focus went straight to how we looked and we fell into immediate harsh self criticism, even though we were having such fun together and just enjoying being in each others company.

There are actually 3 of us in this photo, but one sister is hiding!

I retired at 61 and my body has changed since then; I no longer expend so many calories as I’m not lugging equipment around and teaching classes every day. I no longer run, my muscle mass has decreased, but I no longer treat my body as something to be controlled or punished. My shape has changed, I’m fuller figured, my skin has less collagen, so I’m wrinklier, but the upside to being older (and massively changing my attitude) is that I’m grateful to my body for being healthy all these years and I now treat it with the love and care it deserves.

All I could see when I first saw this pic was my tummy!

When we moved onto the boat, I threw our scales away, so I’ve no idea what I weigh now and I have no need to know. My clothes seem to fit year in, year out; I walk as often as I can and practice yoga for an hour 3 times a week. I want to stay flexible and as strong as I can, so I’ll carry our rucksack when we’re out walking for the day. I eat healthily and drink alcohol moderately, but life’s too short not to eat cake, chocolate and crisps in moderation.

Although I’ve shifted the ways I measure my body from how far I can run or what I weigh to how healthy and well I feel, I’m not pretending that I don’t have to have a word with myself now and again. I have a ‘tummy’ that just doesn’t seem to shift and I went through a phase where I was really miserable about it, but now it’s more about accepting the changes in my shape and dressing in ways that don’t draw MY attention to it , so I can get on with my day and act my age, not my shoe size!

It always saddens me when women of any age speak negatively about their bodies, but I’ve done it myself for years, so I get it. We’d never speak to or about other women the way we speak to ourselves and I’m so done with self criticism now; our bodies are amazing and I’m choosing to treat mine like a temple ha ha…..

The fact that I can put on my walking boots and walk 10 miles or practice yoga for an hour several times a week is a gift I’m forever grateful for; it’s taken me a long time to change the ways I view my body, but I’m finally treating it the way it’s always deserved to be treated….wrinkly skin or not!

With love,

Karen x